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There was a time when my definition of good communication was simply writing and speaking in a concise and direct manner. Being from New York, I’d subscribed to the mantra that time is money and, if I’m honest, I interpreted taking the time to ask about someone’s day as a sign of weakness. Communication in the workplace, I thought, was supposed to be efficient and impersonal. Everyone knows that, right?

Boy was I wrong!

Turns out, workplace communication styles aren’t one size fits all.

It took me years, plus a few embarrassing missteps, to realize this. If you are managing a team or just trying to survive in one, it’s worth stepping back to recognize that people filter everything through their experiences, stress levels and personalities. Understanding this makes us better communicators and also helps us adjust to other people’s workplace communication styles without feeling inauthentic.

Here’s the thing. When we say “workplace communication styles,” we aren’t just talking about tone of voice or whether someone prefers email to instant messaging. We are talking about patterns people fall into when stressed, how they handle disagreements and how comfortable they are giving and receiving feedback.

Here are two examples you might find in the office.

When I first started out in the fitness and spa industry, my director was known for sending lengthy, detailed project emails. I would reply with just one or two sentences. Sometimes, a simple “Got it” or “Sounds good” did the trick. I wasn’t thinking about how my short responses would be perceived. Honestly, I didn’t realize they were having any impact.

Later, I found out my brief replies left him wondering if I was really engaged or paying attention. Over time, I realized his communication style was deeply context-heavy and very detailed, while mine was minimalist and to the point. Neither of us was wrong, but we could have saved a lot of confusion if we had recognized and talked about our different styles sooner.

I had an employee a few years back whom I’ll call Clara. She was smart and highly productive, but she spoke in an indirect, almost uncertain way. I’d ask, “Do you think the deadline is realistic?” and she’d answer with, “Well, I suppose it could work if, you know, things fall into place.” Half the time, I’d walk away unsure whether she was saying, “Yes, we’re on track” or “No, this is a disaster.”

Our colleague “David” was the opposite: a straight shooter. He’d look me dead in the eye and say, “That timeline’s not happening. We need two more weeks or the quality drops.”  For me this style worked. For Clara, not so much. These different communication styles (and people) collided.

You can imagine the friction. Clara found David abrasive and David found Clara wishy-washy. Both had a point, but both were missing the fact they were simply wired to communicate differently.

For the first few months, I just thought they needed to figure out how to get along. Classic rookie manager mistake. It wasn’t until I started assessing communication styles more consciously that I realized my role wasn’t just to be a bridge between them but to actually teach them how to own and adjust their communication styles.

So, how do you assess styles, especially your own? The easiest starting point is to look back at conflicts or misunderstandings in your personal life. Before you started to communicate in the workplace, you most likely learned how to socialize from your family. If they had a direct communication style, you probably did too. As I mentioned, I am from New York and New Yorkers have a different way of communicating than, say, people from San Diego.

Which pattern do you follow? Do people tell you you’re too blunt? Do they often follow up to ask for clarification? Or do they not get around to answering your emails because they’re too long? All of this is feedback, and it’s gold!

When I finally recognized that I lacked tact in my emails, it stung a little. But it also helped me understand how my messages might come across to others: abrupt, insensitive or even harsh. That moment of self-awareness gave me the chance to start approaching my communication differently.

When managing employees, take time to observe their work habits and behavior. Maybe they light up during team brainstorm sessions, throwing out ideas nonstop, but go quiet once it’s time to nail down a plan. (They may need to talk through possibilities before they’re ready to commit.)

Or maybe their email messages are always tidy with bullet points and clear action items. Chances are they appreciate structure and want to avoid back-and-forth confusion. None of this is bad, it just means there are adjustments to work out. 

When I was a business owner with 30 people on payroll, it was easy for me to assume my way was the best way to communicate. I was the boss, after all! But eventually I realized I couldn’t just say, “Well, this is how I communicate. Take it or leave it.” I needed a level of performance from my team, so ultimately the responsibility was on me as the employer to figure out how to be flexible.

With Clara, who was indirect and hesitant, I started asking yes or no questions first, then left space for her “ifs” and “buts.” Like, “Do you believe the deadline is realistic, yes or no? And if not, what stands in the way?” It gave her permission to be clearer without feeling forced into David-style bluntness.

With David, who was ultra-direct, I asked him to pause before jumping in with opinions and critiques. I told him (half-jokingly) to think about his favorite sandwich when paused. A good sandwich is supported by the perfect bread. When you get your sandwich, you don’t just open up the sandwich and start eating the meat. You eat it as a whole because it tastes better that way.

The “sandwich technique” is a communication tactic that takes constructive feedback (the meat) and puts it in between two positive statements (the bread). I explained how direct feedback was best served in between two positive sentences and gave examples like, “I really like your vision for the project. I do have one concern. Could I get more clarification on this part of the project? I’m sure once I understand the specifics we can better collaborate on the next steps.”

If you have never used this technique, it can feel strange at first, and David initially hated it. He said it felt fluffy and thought he was wasting time. Over a few months, though, he realized his feedback landed much better with Clara and others when he framed it with, “I really like where this is heading. Here’s my one concern.” 

In business, there is a persistent idea that good communication is just clear and concise. But clarity means different things to different people. One person’s “direct” is another person’s “harsh.” One person’s “thoughtful” is another person’s “long-winded.”

It isn’t about changing your personality; it is about finding ways to better understand each other.

When workplace communication styles keep clashing and there is a lack of self-reflection and awareness of how your communication affects other people, it doesn’t just result in misunderstandings. It can erode trust. When that happens, people start to avoid each other. They roll their eyes. Silos form. Then, as the manager, you spend more time managing tense relationships than managing department goals.

That year, I knew I was not the best person to improve the team’s communication dynamics. So, I started with myself and hired a performance coach to help me see my blind spots. That year ended up being one of the most stressful years I had in business, but I knew reverting back to my natural New Yorker style wasn’t going to be what the team needed. I worked hard at simply pausing and understanding my team members’ communication styles. As a result, not only was that one of my most stressful years. It was also one of the most productive, respectful and enjoyable years of my career.