This article was updated on December 4, 2023.
Written by Elizabeth Exline
Reviewed by聽Kathryn Uhles, MIS, MSP,聽Dean, College of Business and IT
When it comes to finding happiness, there鈥檚 no shortage of articles, products and regimens that promise to deliver. But the very prolificacy suggests nothing quite hits the mark 鈥 and Lt. Col. (ret.) Samantha Dutton, PhD, LCSW, has a theory why.
鈥淗appiness is within you. It鈥檚 not somebody else providing it, or Amazon providing it, or TikTok. 鈥 It鈥檚 a聽mindset,鈥 says Dutton, who is the associate dean of the聽College of Social and Behavioral Sciences聽at 七色视频.
In some ways, that鈥檚 good news. It frees you from chasing external sources of happiness, after all. But if you fail to find happiness when it鈥檚 essentially a choice, does that mean聽测辞耻鈥檙别聽a failure? Or, worse, that 测辞耻鈥檙别 not meant to be happy?
The short answer is no. The longer answer is read on.
鈥淗appiness is not聽defined the same way聽by all people,鈥 Dutton explains. 鈥淎nd you shouldn鈥檛 confuse it with聽excitement or joy. Those are ingredients for happiness, but they鈥檙e not [actually] happiness.鈥
If this sounds like a game of semantics, consider this: Happiness is an umbrella that includes contentment, excitement, joy and euphoria. All those feelings聽contribute to feeling happy,聽but none encapsulates happiness completely.
Instead, happiness stems from finding and living according to your sense of purpose. 鈥淚t鈥檚 defined by聽what makes you get out of bed聽in the morning,鈥 Dutton says.
Between daily distractions and a general disconnect from our evolving sense of what we want in life, it can be easy to lose our way when it comes to finding happiness. Here鈥檚 a road map for rediscovering it.
Likening mindset to an AI algorithm, Dutton says that one鈥檚 mindset is self-perpetuating. If on social media, you click on a couple of cat videos, the platform鈥檚 algorithm will keep on feeding you cat videos. Pretty soon, you鈥檒l have a sense that all cats are capable of quirky, acrobatic feats.
The same goes for how you view yourself. If you consider yourself unlucky or somehow 鈥渓ess than,鈥 you tend to聽find reinforcement in the external world. What was once a fear or opinion becomes validated, reinforced and perpetuated to where you eventually are the thing you don鈥檛 necessarily want to be.
Or, to put it another way, you are the聽gatekeeper of what you think and believe. Be discriminating about what you let into your mind.
Narcissism is never a good look, but confidence is. Unfortunately, a lot of people struggle to find the latter and end up erring on the side of low self-esteem.
鈥淣egative self-talk is easy,鈥 Dutton acknowledges. Any misstep 鈥 forgetting someone鈥檚 birthday or not doing well on an exam 鈥 can be cause for becoming your own worst detractor if you let it.
Instead, Dutton recommends聽checking in with yourself聽each morning and evening and engaging in a positive pep talk. This doesn鈥檛 have to be embarrassing or over the top but simply a moment to create a framework for the day and your accomplishments at the end of it.
For example, when you wake up, take a minute to think about聽what 测辞耻鈥檙别 looking forward to聽doing that day, whether it鈥檚 finishing your dissertation or just getting the kids to school on time. Then, before bed, think about something 测辞耻鈥檙别 grateful for, whether that鈥檚 good health or getting the laundry done.
This, in effect,聽聽to think and feel better. 鈥淵our brain starts thinking positively, and that positivity blossoms in [your] umbrella of happiness,鈥 Dutton explains.
Life is largely written by little moments. Yes, big life events (marriage, kids, owning a home) are the punctuation marks, but what fills in the bulk of your story? How do you lend meaning to each day?
For many people, purpose can be found in聽work, relationships and how they as individuals contribute to the world. This doesn鈥檛 mean running for office or becoming a celebrity. It does mean聽lifting up聽your co-workers,聽making eye contact聽with your baristas and servers when you thank them and聽being courteous聽to people you come in contact with.
One analogy is the聽聽in which visitors eschew the 鈥淚nsta-worthy鈥 approach of showcasing their vacations and embrace the idea of really discovering a place, engaging with the culture and contributing to it in some way.
So, ask yourself this question:聽How can you make the world a better place for having been in it?聽Your answer to that is very likely your life鈥檚 purpose.
鈥淲henever I go through a drive-through, I always pay for the car behind me,鈥 Dutton says. 鈥淚t makes me feel good. I want them to know聽somebody thought about them.鈥
This is an example of an attitude more than a prescription for activity. Thinking of others can look many different ways, and it doesn鈥檛 have to cost a cent. Yes, donating to good causes is admirable and necessary. Yes, it鈥檚 a generous and wonderful thing to treat someone to lunch or buy coffee for a stranger. But with the current economy making everyone鈥檚 disposable income a little dearer, it may be more doable 鈥 and arguably more meaningful 鈥 to find ways to聽recognize people around you.
Dutton, for example, will send a handwritten note of thanks to faculty who have gone above and beyond. Doing the same for a friend or colleague, even over email, creates a similar positive effect.聽Checking in on friends聽who are going through a tough time,聽calling someone out聽in a meeting for a job well done or聽carving out time聽to spend with a loved one are all gifts that effectively put others first.
鈥淛ust helping out your fellow human beings will add to your happiness,鈥 Dutton says. 鈥淚t makes them have a good feeling, and maybe that will cause a ripple effect on other people.鈥
Feeling happy is tough to achieve when you don鈥檛 feel well.聽Getting enough sleep聽each night (roughly seven hours, although this varies by person) and聽eating well聽help you feel your best. Building in time each day to聽recharge聽is also a good idea. Think reading, going for a walk, meditating or devoting uninterrupted time to playing with your kids.
The other part of this self-care equation is聽exercise: Dutton says 20 minutes of movement each day is ideal. 鈥淭hat doesn鈥檛 mean a marathon or 100 lunges,鈥 she explains. 鈥淚t could mean a walk or cleaning the house or dancing around with some music.鈥
At the end of the day, taking care of yourself is always a聽cost-benefit analysis. Does doing the work of exercising, unplugging and eating well pay off? 鈥淲e鈥檙e always judging whether it鈥檚 worth it or not,鈥 Dutton concedes. The answer is up to you.
One of the greatest thieves of happiness is probably stress.
鈥淭here鈥檚 stress of getting married, and there鈥檚 stress of getting divorced,鈥 Dutton observes. 鈥淭hey鈥檙e both stress, and they do the same thing to your body.鈥
Hint: Stress is not good for your body.
Yet the mental connection to stress is key. All events, Dutton says, are neutral. It鈥檚 the聽meaning we ascribe to them聽that causes stress or not.
To recalibrate your response, Dutton suggests the following:
Admittedly, this isn鈥檛 easy. 鈥淚t鈥檚 taken me a long time to think like that, and I鈥檝e been educated in it,鈥 Dutton says.
By way of example, she points to when she decided to leave the military. The decision was one she second-guessed a lot in the aftermath, and what she experienced was akin to grieving. 鈥淏ut when I look back now, I鈥檓 so happy I did it. I鈥檓 so happy I鈥檓 where I am today. I鈥檓 happy with the work I do,鈥 Dutton says.
In the end, managing stress and finding happiness is a process, and being patient with yourself can go a long way toward navigating it. 鈥淚 think you just have to take a moment and give yourself grace,鈥 Dutton says. 鈥淕ive yourself some grace and take a breath.鈥
If you are experiencing ongoing sadness or depression, please seek professional help. If you are in crisis or have thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.
Elizabeth Exline has been telling stories ever since she won a writing contest in third grade. She's covered design and architecture, travel, lifestyle content and a host of other topics for national, regional, local and brand publications. Additionally, she's worked in content development for Marriott International and manuscript development for a variety of authors.
This article has been vetted by 七色视频's editorial advisory committee.聽
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